Case of the Mondays? Not me.

Father Feeny always asks us if we have the Mondays when he sees us all lined up outisde of Journalism and not looking super excited to be there. Father Feeny is the type of teacher who is always excited to talk about English and his classes and he always wants to know if we're having a good time. Of course when our teacher is fifteen minutes late to class you tend to not get super excited about having to stand in the hallway. Today was not a Case of the Mondays kind of day. It was raining which put a mild damper because I was so comfortable in bed. I looked like a giant star all limbs in all directions under my comforters and through the open window I could hear the rain pelting the side of the building. It was really relaxing and I had to push myself to get out of bed and to the car where I discovered that I had left a window open and the front door unlocked. Miraculously nothing was stolen or wet. You know that's it's going to be a good day when the stupid things you do end up being perfectly fine.

I got to school early so I could work on my sound/slide project. I took a chance in the Maguire parking lot and low and behold it was nearly empty. At 9am people usually have to fight for a spot. With the weather I guess not too many people wanted to go to class. Weather like this also keep security from checking for parking permits and so I end up without getting ticketed. Last night I got an email saying Creative Writing was going to be cancelled. I was a little disappointed because it's one of my more likeable classes, but I used the time to hang out with Eanan in the Perch. I haven't seen him or Devin or Andi lately because I've been busy and don't have a lot of time on the weekends to do anything during the day. We only have a little more than a month of school left in the semester so I'll be able to hang out with Andi then. Miss that girl.

I have my job orientation later this evening. Nervous/excited like I said before to see how it goes. It will be fine of course M said he might be in for dinner and I always find it weird to see for employers at new jobs. It always like, "Hey this is what I left you for!" Not really a big deal if I do. Allyson stopped by work last night and we talked for a while and we definitely agreed that M is totally skeezy sometimes and could stand to lose the shorts. It's not even warm outside. I should make plans to do something with her and Niambi sometime too.

I'm hoping orientation doesn't last more than an hour or two and then I can have my Monday nights free. I used to work Monday nights last semester and even though I haven't had to these past few months I still feel like there is something I should be doing. I'll figure it out, maybe I can get my Mom to buy me a class card for hot yoga. I need something to stretch me out and tone me up. Has anyone done hot yoga and really liked it?

Oh yes I forgot. I've started tracking my weight as a daily affirmation to loose it and to see where my base is and how far I need to go. Does anyone else have any little daily tricks to keep them motivated? I read that it takes about 28 days to build a good habit. I need something to puch me the first 28 days. Also has anyone triend the Be-hot supplements for women athletes from GNC and what do you think?

Peggy Sue

Peggy you know what a penis is. Stay away from it.

I watched Peggy Sue Got Married last night during my In Night. Zach Galifianakis recommended it to me the other day and despite the awful Nicolas Cage performance I really enjoyed it. It was funny to watch Kathleen Turner fall back into 1960 and relive all her regrets. Especially since 30 years later she would play the sexually hyperactive and formidably Sue Collini that we al know and love. The movie is full of throwbacks both in theme and character design which makes it entertain to watch. So thanks Zach for the recommendation.

Okay one and a quarter is enough for today.

Okay, okay never mind. I know that I said I was done for the day, but I just have so much on my mind that I need to spill it out. I also don't want to really do my theology homework so I'm writing and watching The Dark Knight instead. I haven't seen this movie in ages and it was between this and Watchmen and The Dark Knight won. Mostly because it is slightly shorter than the other movie. I've also recently come to the conclusion that I love Michael Cain. Gosh it's been quite the day for Sidney's self-realization (insert facetious laugh).

I went back and took a look at the last post I wrote and the stuff above and no wonder I'm single and alone, I'm insane. Whatever, moving on. Tomorrow I want to get up early and get stuff done, but I found out one of my classes has been cancelled and my mind is slowly trying to convince me that I should sleep in and the fact that I'm only just starting a long movie and I have homework to do is making sleeping in more and more appealing. I also have orientation for a new job tomorrow evening and I'm ridiculously excited and antsy. I like new experiences but I still get butterflies before they happen.

I talked to Anna a little bit tonight and I'm really glad I did because I haven't talked to her all semester and I miss her so much. She's going to the Black and White on Friday so I'll have to wait until later in the weekend to see her. Anna and I always have fun shenanigans and since she's staying on Hawk Hill for grad school I get to see her all summer. We may even dig up Ginger Dan and bring him out with us again. My summer is already being pre-planned for Llanerch pancakes and Guiness on the balcony.

I'm actually starting to get a little giddy about the summer. I have a whole different set of friends staying in the summer this year and I also have a bunch of new friends that I've made this year. I also haven't been offered the job at work that I'm hoping for. If I get it I will actually have some savings and some expendable income to play around with. With Twila on top of that I'm not so limited the way I was last year. I just need the pieces to fit into my summer puzzle. 

A moment of self-reflection.

I had all these ideas to write about all yesterday and this morning, but then a little while ago I read My Hebrew Friend's blog and it reminded me about all the stuff that is actually happening to me right now and I think that while all the ideas in my head can be very fun, what I really think and feel about things makes for better writing for me. And while I really do love and appreciate all of my readers and the input that they give me, this blog and my writing is for me. It's for me to be able to write down thoughts and try different things and get feedback and criticisms from other people to improve my own style. Everyone hates killing their babies, but that's what writing is all about.

But back to what spurred this post on. My Hebrew Friend wrote about feeling lost and getting back on track with his life and finally arriving in a place where he can be himself again. I feel like I am struggling in a similar way. When I really think about the last time I was ecstatic with my life and with myself was years ago, before I complicated myself with distractions and let bad experiences change me and make me weary about trying things again. I need to push myself to get back to a better place and to get the things I really want.

I'm in a good place right now with school and my friends and family. I need to start reaching out to some of my other friends that I haven't seen in a while, I'm tired of spending so many nights home alone, not that I minded last night (it was much needed) but I can't continue on this way. It's boring and I'm ashamed with myself for being so boring, I feel like there was a point when I didn't use to be like this. There are two things that I need to push myself to change: my weight and my personal life. I've been struggling with body image for a really really long time and though I've never been obese, I've never been in excellent shape and I've always been much larger in size than most of my friends. I'm not lazy person, I play sports and I've always tried to not sit around but ever since I've come to college I've consistently become more and more stagnant and less willing to exercise regularly. I used to say that I was too busy with school to get to the gym even when I had the time or that running a lap around the field with the club field hockey team was exercise enough for the week. I paid the price for my lazy thinking. I look like Santa's little sister. But then I was with a guy recently and they way he looked was looking at me when I took my clothes off gave me this amazing sense of confidence about myself. I don't even think he realized what he was doing, but it's made me realize that that's a feeling I want to have all of the time about myself. I'm not looking to become stick thin or look like the perfect image on the cover of a magazine, I want to get to a place where I can feel perfect about myself and be more confident when it comes to men. I look at the girls around me that are much thinner and prettier than me and I see their confidence and ease with men and the seemingly success that they seem to have. Too many times I've just jumped into bed with a guy because I felt like I was only good enough to be the late night sex that they were too ashamed to tell anyone about. I let this feeling consume me and eventually I believed that I could be happy just having sex and then sneak out in the middle of the night. I've completely lost the ability to connect with a guy and build a connection with him on a deeper emotional level.

This brings me to the second thing that My Hebrew Friend made me realize. I'm ready to be someone's girlfriend again. I don't mean in the high school way where we have to spend every waking moment together or always talk on the phone or even think about him being "the one". I'm not husband hunting, I'm just ready to let myself start looking for someone that I can share things with and be comfortable around enough to tell the things about myself that I don't share with my best friends. I want someone I know I can call when I need to hear a comforting voice, someone who I can make dinner for, someone who likes to go see awesome movies with, and take walks around the park with me. Or maybe not any of these things at all, just having a comfortable ease and rapport with person would be a good place to start. I'm ready for that moment in (500) Days of Summer when Summer finally allows Tom to see her apartment. For too long I've played Summer keeping men at a distance, only loving myself and never fulling developing a connection with them. I'm not even as willing as she is to go out and spend time with Tom, I want to be like that again. I just need a little help with this. I need to be more willing to go out and meet people. I want to be in a relationship again, I want to not jump in bed with him as soon as I meet him and if I do I want to be able to let myself let something grow between us. I'm tired of being Hank. I've let myself ruin too many friendships with guys including My Hebrew Friend and Ginger Dan because I didn't really pay attention and just let myself act the way I have conditioned myself to believe the way I should. Only lately have I repaired things with My Hebrew Friend to the point where I am comfortable enough to be around him him alone or more than a few minutes. With Ginger Dan we're still not where we used to be before I let things get so fucked up, but it's improving little by little.

I'm not going to jump into a relationship with the first guy I meet. I can't do that, I just know that it will be one of those things that goes nowhere and that they won't have been the person that I was looking for. I need to let myself be more selective about the men I meet. So I'm going to work on that and just try to see what can happen because by the time I'm ready to leave for Portland I'd really like there to be reason for me to consider staying here for a little longer or even have someone who would entertain the idea of wanting to come visit me while I'm there. I have a lot to work on.

I'm also thinking of changing my hair again. I'm not entirely sure I look good with longer hair. 

Rest and relaxation, but no red wine.

I'm not going to lie as much as I love going out after work with friends, I'm really loving that I decided to come home and just sit in bed for a little bit and let my body unravel. I have the pillows all arranged nicely and supportively on my back, the comforters and really fluffy and spread out at the bottom of the bed supporting my legs and the paper lanterns above the mirror fill the room with a gentle glow. I still have a few things to do around the apartment: pick up my room, make something to eat, and clean up the giant pile of things I pulled out of my utility closet this morning in search of duck tape. Usually on a night like this I would call My Hebrew Friend or Marg and see if they wanted to come over and watch movies and indulge in red wine, but I saw My Hebrew Friend yesterday and Marg's spending the weekend at Drexel and I'm out of red wine. Tonight is for me and my chance to just get to rest and relax on my own. I may even sleep in tomorrow past 8am. For now though I'm content just to sit here and write.

I received an update on the good news from earlier this week. I am no longer going to have to be unemployed. In fact that's exactly what I shouted out at Willa Cather today before we epically high fived in front of several perplexed customers. Now she just needs to solve her set of anxieties and we'd all be set. After Willa left though I slowly started to melt into the floor. My converses were a poor choice to wear especially since they are so worn out and old that I would rather cut my feet off right now than have to put them on again. It got very very slow almost to the point where I could have just stayed in the back all night and no one would have noticed. I let Ruth leave early, it was that slow. I kind of wish she had stayed because after she left The Prophet started chatting me up and it was kind of annoying. Ever since Yonni pointed something out to me I've become more aware about how oblivious I am about guys. Honestly when I got together with a guy this past fall I had no idea that that was his intention until it happened. Unless I'm the person going after something I rarely have any idea about what is going on around me when it concerns me. Total fail and now I'm starting to wonder how many opportunities I passed up because of my total obliviousness. Anyways I like to look at The Prophet, he's pretty but he's had odd interactions with some of my friends and it's best to just keep him at a distance at all times.

Yesterday at work Zach Galiafinakis told me about a movie called Peggy Sue Got Married. He told me not to be fooled by the title and that it was actually a really great movie. Another coworker also chimed in and said that it was not what you would expect and that it is actually a very well done movie. I think I'm going to watch it tonight. I need to take a break from Murder, She Wrote.

Learning the finer points of automotive repair.

Post coming soon. Most likely tonight after work or tomorrow morning.

Green Portuguese Beer

I'm not Irish and I'm not at Bala right now getting schwasted with the rest of my school's student body (the ones over 21 of course). The only green I have is a shirt that I got from a charity in India that read: Keep Calm and Carry On. Today I am sitting at other work writing this because there is nothing to do in the office other than eat copious amounts of Irish food and the leprechaun cake. Now I wish I had the balls to skip Sophomore Sem and go to Bala with KatWoman but I we have our papers due today and I have a deep fear of the teacher. Love her, but terribly afraid to skip out on her.

Okay so on top of all of the Irish foodies that I've been indulging in this morning, a girl from one of the classrooms came into the office and told us that there was Portuguese food in 313. Half the office immediately went out to investigate and since I have never really had any authentic Portuguese food so I got some too. Interesting mix of meats and seafoods all of it very good but it was all a little hard to finish. So much food in the office today.

I have to work today. My days at work at numbered dun dun dunnnnn. Tonight Other Jon and I are going out and hopefully some other people are going to come too. I told him we have to see if we can get the bar to give us green beer. A little food coloring to some PBR would be fantastic. I just need to finish the day stronger than it started.

              Yummy!

Kind of an Eeyore day.

Today was kind of a lame day. Maybe it was the weather, coming from total sunshine to total grey can be hard on a person, but I just haven't been able to get excited to about anything or the urge to actually get anything done. In fact I'm only writing out of boredom and desperation. The morning started out okay, I got up at a decent hour and drove to school. I got lucky with parking on Old Lanc and went for a run around Lower Merion before class. I like running in that area; I can look at the old houses and it's very quiet at that time of day.

American Lit. was boring as usual. You could literally hear students drift off. The class wouldn't be so terrible except that the teacher speaks in the most monotonous voice and goes off on tangents that are not related to what is going on in the class. And then of course there's That Guy. That Guy likes to talk, a lot. And he has one of those pretentious voices that everyone hates to listen too. After class when I was walking back to my car alone, a car full of guy yelled "SLUT" at me while they drove past. That's where the day went downhill for me. There was no one around me so they were obviously talking about me, but I had no idea who they were or what they were even talking about. It's not like I was dressed provocatively: sweatshirt, running pants, and sneakers. I was sweaty and my glasses were sliding off my face. I was so taken back that my mouth hit the ground and I couldn't move for a minute while I tried to comprehend what happened. Who yells stuff like that at people? What are you, eleven? Anyways I wanted to tell a friend about it since he usually has smart opinions and is a guy, but I've been getting a weird feeling about him (probably just the day and I'm probably reading too much into his writing tone. I need to stop listening to the Ballerina when she talks about him) so I texted Marg instead who insisted they were just being plain RUDE. Still I'm feeling really mad about it and all I want to do is go to sleep and wake up  ready to go running for BOMF.

I also have a giant know feeling in my stomach area and it's making me feel worse about the day. I just feel so crummy and I want to cry, but everything seems too silly to cry about and I feel like I shouldn't waste tears on such silly things. It's just the day after all. Tomorrow will be something new and all the silly feelings I have about school and work and my friends will be gone. I'm just really smad about how the day is going.

There were two spots of silver in my dark cloud: Jon is excited about going to see Matt & Kim (now we just need to raise some funds to get tickets and get more people to go with us) and I got a second interview.