Peggy Sue

Peggy you know what a penis is. Stay away from it.

I watched Peggy Sue Got Married last night during my In Night. Zach Galifianakis recommended it to me the other day and despite the awful Nicolas Cage performance I really enjoyed it. It was funny to watch Kathleen Turner fall back into 1960 and relive all her regrets. Especially since 30 years later she would play the sexually hyperactive and formidably Sue Collini that we al know and love. The movie is full of throwbacks both in theme and character design which makes it entertain to watch. So thanks Zach for the recommendation.

Okay one and a quarter is enough for today.

Okay, okay never mind. I know that I said I was done for the day, but I just have so much on my mind that I need to spill it out. I also don't want to really do my theology homework so I'm writing and watching The Dark Knight instead. I haven't seen this movie in ages and it was between this and Watchmen and The Dark Knight won. Mostly because it is slightly shorter than the other movie. I've also recently come to the conclusion that I love Michael Cain. Gosh it's been quite the day for Sidney's self-realization (insert facetious laugh).

I went back and took a look at the last post I wrote and the stuff above and no wonder I'm single and alone, I'm insane. Whatever, moving on. Tomorrow I want to get up early and get stuff done, but I found out one of my classes has been cancelled and my mind is slowly trying to convince me that I should sleep in and the fact that I'm only just starting a long movie and I have homework to do is making sleeping in more and more appealing. I also have orientation for a new job tomorrow evening and I'm ridiculously excited and antsy. I like new experiences but I still get butterflies before they happen.

I talked to Anna a little bit tonight and I'm really glad I did because I haven't talked to her all semester and I miss her so much. She's going to the Black and White on Friday so I'll have to wait until later in the weekend to see her. Anna and I always have fun shenanigans and since she's staying on Hawk Hill for grad school I get to see her all summer. We may even dig up Ginger Dan and bring him out with us again. My summer is already being pre-planned for Llanerch pancakes and Guiness on the balcony.

I'm actually starting to get a little giddy about the summer. I have a whole different set of friends staying in the summer this year and I also have a bunch of new friends that I've made this year. I also haven't been offered the job at work that I'm hoping for. If I get it I will actually have some savings and some expendable income to play around with. With Twila on top of that I'm not so limited the way I was last year. I just need the pieces to fit into my summer puzzle. 

A moment of self-reflection.

I had all these ideas to write about all yesterday and this morning, but then a little while ago I read My Hebrew Friend's blog and it reminded me about all the stuff that is actually happening to me right now and I think that while all the ideas in my head can be very fun, what I really think and feel about things makes for better writing for me. And while I really do love and appreciate all of my readers and the input that they give me, this blog and my writing is for me. It's for me to be able to write down thoughts and try different things and get feedback and criticisms from other people to improve my own style. Everyone hates killing their babies, but that's what writing is all about.

But back to what spurred this post on. My Hebrew Friend wrote about feeling lost and getting back on track with his life and finally arriving in a place where he can be himself again. I feel like I am struggling in a similar way. When I really think about the last time I was ecstatic with my life and with myself was years ago, before I complicated myself with distractions and let bad experiences change me and make me weary about trying things again. I need to push myself to get back to a better place and to get the things I really want.

I'm in a good place right now with school and my friends and family. I need to start reaching out to some of my other friends that I haven't seen in a while, I'm tired of spending so many nights home alone, not that I minded last night (it was much needed) but I can't continue on this way. It's boring and I'm ashamed with myself for being so boring, I feel like there was a point when I didn't use to be like this. There are two things that I need to push myself to change: my weight and my personal life. I've been struggling with body image for a really really long time and though I've never been obese, I've never been in excellent shape and I've always been much larger in size than most of my friends. I'm not lazy person, I play sports and I've always tried to not sit around but ever since I've come to college I've consistently become more and more stagnant and less willing to exercise regularly. I used to say that I was too busy with school to get to the gym even when I had the time or that running a lap around the field with the club field hockey team was exercise enough for the week. I paid the price for my lazy thinking. I look like Santa's little sister. But then I was with a guy recently and they way he looked was looking at me when I took my clothes off gave me this amazing sense of confidence about myself. I don't even think he realized what he was doing, but it's made me realize that that's a feeling I want to have all of the time about myself. I'm not looking to become stick thin or look like the perfect image on the cover of a magazine, I want to get to a place where I can feel perfect about myself and be more confident when it comes to men. I look at the girls around me that are much thinner and prettier than me and I see their confidence and ease with men and the seemingly success that they seem to have. Too many times I've just jumped into bed with a guy because I felt like I was only good enough to be the late night sex that they were too ashamed to tell anyone about. I let this feeling consume me and eventually I believed that I could be happy just having sex and then sneak out in the middle of the night. I've completely lost the ability to connect with a guy and build a connection with him on a deeper emotional level.

This brings me to the second thing that My Hebrew Friend made me realize. I'm ready to be someone's girlfriend again. I don't mean in the high school way where we have to spend every waking moment together or always talk on the phone or even think about him being "the one". I'm not husband hunting, I'm just ready to let myself start looking for someone that I can share things with and be comfortable around enough to tell the things about myself that I don't share with my best friends. I want someone I know I can call when I need to hear a comforting voice, someone who I can make dinner for, someone who likes to go see awesome movies with, and take walks around the park with me. Or maybe not any of these things at all, just having a comfortable ease and rapport with person would be a good place to start. I'm ready for that moment in (500) Days of Summer when Summer finally allows Tom to see her apartment. For too long I've played Summer keeping men at a distance, only loving myself and never fulling developing a connection with them. I'm not even as willing as she is to go out and spend time with Tom, I want to be like that again. I just need a little help with this. I need to be more willing to go out and meet people. I want to be in a relationship again, I want to not jump in bed with him as soon as I meet him and if I do I want to be able to let myself let something grow between us. I'm tired of being Hank. I've let myself ruin too many friendships with guys including My Hebrew Friend and Ginger Dan because I didn't really pay attention and just let myself act the way I have conditioned myself to believe the way I should. Only lately have I repaired things with My Hebrew Friend to the point where I am comfortable enough to be around him him alone or more than a few minutes. With Ginger Dan we're still not where we used to be before I let things get so fucked up, but it's improving little by little.

I'm not going to jump into a relationship with the first guy I meet. I can't do that, I just know that it will be one of those things that goes nowhere and that they won't have been the person that I was looking for. I need to let myself be more selective about the men I meet. So I'm going to work on that and just try to see what can happen because by the time I'm ready to leave for Portland I'd really like there to be reason for me to consider staying here for a little longer or even have someone who would entertain the idea of wanting to come visit me while I'm there. I have a lot to work on.

I'm also thinking of changing my hair again. I'm not entirely sure I look good with longer hair.