Oh yes!

Love, but not a love story.

"Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental ... Especially you, Jenny Beckman ... Bitch."


Thank you Jenny Beckman for being a bitch and inspiring (500) Days of Summer and the one movie that my romantic entanglements most closely resemble. WIthout you I never would have found a kindred spirit in Summer or started lusting over Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Instead I would probably still be insecure about my insecurities and would have had to wait to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Inception for him to become my favorite person ever. But really I think it's the clothing of the Tom character and the music that did it for me. Any guy who likes The Smiths and wears skinny ties under v-neck cardigans is cool with me. Unfortunately for some I do tend to take the Summer route in life because of my indecisiveness and my deep desire to live and breath everywhere and not in your parent's basement apartment while you work for your dad. I have no desire to settle tomorrow or in the next ten years, and so to the Tom's of the world: I am sorry I don't want to be in a relationship with you, don't ask me to try. But hey! We can be friends and see where it goes every once and a while. 


A long time ago (long compared to my short existence, short compared to TIME) I was with the Accountant who wanted to move back to Vermont as soon as he was done with school. He wanted to marry me and move in with his parents in the middle of nowhere. He wanted to marry me as soon as school was over and stay on his plot of land until the day he died. He did not want to go anywhere or see anything and he looked down on me for not being like him. The Accountant treated me like a child who misbehaves when I got excited about things he thought were silly. My mother loved him and I was comfortable because I thought that there was no one else. 


Then I grew a pair. Asshole when I say I don't want to date you, I mean it. Do not say it's because I want to enjoy my senior year of high school or that it is the distance. It's just you. You're creepy and mean and I want more from life than what you were willing to offer. Get over it already, stop texting me and fb stalking me. I'm not interested and I don't know why you still are. You made me quite and over-cautious around guys, just ask My Hebrew Friend who is desperately trying to get me to tell him perfectly normal things. Now I don't tell my mother about the boys I see and I don't let them meet my friends. I keep that part of my life holed up and to myself and completely separate from my everyday life. Thanks for Accountant. 


I used to be a Tom and now I'm a Summer. I have my whole life ahead of me to get married and have a child and in turn fuck that child's life up more than I've fucked up my own. And it's going to happen with someone who wants be on that ride. Until then I'm carefree as a birdie and intend on keeping it that way, or at least until I have someone who I am sure about the way Summer was. 

Sweet Disposition

Beat you to it.

Sometimes I wish I had a single parent like Hank Moody and was an only child living like Becca, but without the death rock black lipstick from season one. It would be like Californication, but with less writing and more cooking, and less longing for New York and more pining for the Jersey shore. But then I remember that I already have a half-assed Hank Moody and if he really were like Hank Moody we'd be living in a boat off the Florida keys and I would just be a tanner more self-absorbed and version of myself who would be hoping the fence to Hemingway's house than climbing the wall of the Barnes Foundation, and smoking more marijuana and drinking less gin.

I think it's the fact that I peaked too early in my world of responsibility. About mid-high school I wanted to do things, see stuff. I had a fucking ten year plan. Really it was just some bullshit that I made up ten minutes before a scholarship interview that would make me look good in front of the committee. They ate it up. Everyone always eats it up, the only person who sees through the crap is Lance, and that's only because I learned my deviousness from him, I'm just not sure where the less-genuine part came from. It certainly did not come from my mother, more likely the bitter struggle of the play ground and having fat thighs or some shit like that. Right now I just want to finish this stuff up and move to Tucson and start up that male prostitution ring that I've been knocking around with a friend. Wouldn't that be a kick? Or maybe Portland, Oregano. I recently watched the pilot of Portlandia starring Fred Armisen. The dream of the nineties is alive in Portland, where the tattoo ink never runs dry. The late nineties sucked balls on the playground, but I remember the early nineties being a pretty cool time. Portland aside, Philadelphia it's been cool and we'd better make the best of precious little time we have left together. 

Into the academic wild.

This week has been the first week of what will have to be the rest of the next year and a half (that's right my life has become another cliche). Otherwise Lance is going to drag me out of here and I will end up a freaky hybrid of him and Alexander Supertramp, wander the world and working in the restaurant industry. Oooh maybe then someone will write the story about my tragic demise in some remote part of the world. Wouldn't that be thrilling? I think so! Previously I had been studying physics for the past billion years that I have been in Philadelphia, this fall I had a meltdown and now I am not studying physics. It was a good meltdown too. The slow smoldering kind that eats you away inside and develops trigger points until something silly sets you off. That's what happened to me. One day I was perfectly fine and the next I was sobbing my way across Lower Merion and My Hebrew Friend had wipe up the hot mess I brought into work with me.

As of now I'm learning about English and focusing on writing. Contrary to my parents' and most other people's belief I did not choose this because of a boy. Boys schmoys. I only really chose English because it is something I can do and will be able to graduate sooner than later. After seeing the pilot for Portlandia, the sooner I can get out to Portland, Oregon the better. At least for me, maybe not my mother. Other than Portland I have no real life plans anymore. I went from having the very last detail planned out for the next ten years to not knowing where I will be next week and what I will be doing apart from school and work. A friend once told me I had my whole life to experience sex and not to rush it. Since it is too late for the sex part (forgive me mom and mom's friends) I am going to apply it to life. I have my whole life to figure out what I want to do and where I want to go. Lance didn't even get a suit wearing job until he was thirty-six, so I see no real reason to settle down with anything or anyone, anytime soon. Go me!

On a lighter, more aesthetic note, My Hebrew Friend got a haircut and he looks smashing, especially with the beard. Much shorter than I have ever seen him, his hair is very pretty and fun to rub your hand over it. Of course I have always been partial to guys with shorter hair and beards, so I applaud you My Hebrew Friend and think you should embrace your pretty hair.

Currently I am watching Marie Antoinette. The scene where the lot of them are creating a ruckus in the field to see the sunrise is going to be me someday but instead of French royalty, I'll have Marg and maybe My Hebrew Friend is I can drag him away from The Jersey Shore for long enough.

Another familiar hot mess. 

Silly People, Barbies are for Sex!

Don't blog late at night, you might end up writing ridiculous open letters and come off like a total asshole. And believe me, I am excellent at making an ass of myself, just ask my father. Or my mother. A little while back when I was visiting my parents in Vermont we were out drinking at the Matterhorn and I blurted out that I needed some marijuana right then and there. Of course it was anything subtle, I started my saying that I wanted some pot and when my parents couldn't hear me I said I needed some marijuana, only it was a little louder and I sounded out the syllables, mar-i-ju-ana. My mother thinks I'm insane and a budding alcoholic. In my defense I had had two and a half mai tais made by Jesse, which means they were 80% pure rum with a cherry on top and they were served in pint glasses.


Today at work I was working with Betty Page and I closed with The Ballerina. Both are exceptional coworkers even if one works a tad harder than the other. I usually don't get a chance to work with Betty Page but now that I have different hours I see her more often. Betty Page is incredibly funny and has a dark sense of humor. I love her back of the throat laugh. The Ballerina and I have been closing together since I started working in the cafe. She and I have developed a finely honed rhythm to shutting down and can do it  in twenty minutes or less, except when we are working with M. Like tonight. Tonight The Ballerina had a copy of Marie Claire magazine and was reading weird stories about peoples' sexual experiences out loud to us and we spent good portion laughing at how ridiculous people can be. Seriously who is so desperate to experience sex that they tear their own hymen by sticking their Barbie doll's legs up their vagina? Gadzooks! Closing with M is also a good thing because I am certainly guaranteed to be home by 10:45pm. No work until next Thursday!

Also Cute Asian Boy was in again.

To Yonni.

Hahaha I was about to get into writing this when the power went out. And then I fell asleep.

You told me that you kind of have me figured out. You said that you know me as a person, but that I struggle to tell you things about myself and that getting me to talk is like puling teeth. Which it is, I am much more willing to volunteer information about others than myself. It's the way I am, the way I was raised to leave no trace. Though that may have been more about camping than about human nature. Anyways it's a quality about myself that has let me easily transition from place to place without having deep emotional ties to people, it's also part of my soulessness, and also why I tend to not date much. By not sharing with others I am able to flit around as I please and not worry about the consequences that affect other people. Kind of like not having an emotional paper trail. 

You have only seen a very small portion of me as we have not known each other long. I know it's silly to say something like that, like I'm some sort of deeply emotional person with varying and fascinating characteristics. It's true though, we haven't known each other very long at all. You've also never seen me in my element. It's always at work, or after work, or after I've been working, or after a night class when I'm tired and drained for the day and the only reason I want to be around you is because you're a welcoming distraction for the end of the day. You've only known me in one of the lower times in my life. In the brief time that we've known each other you've witnessed one of the biggest landslides in my life. Someone had to, but it's not really how I am mostly. The picture on my Tumblr of me with my mouth open, that's what it's mostly like. Especially between the hours of 10am and 10pm. We've just never been anywhere for you to see me like that. 

Those texts you sometimes get where you think I'm not so sober? I'm usually not drunk and am just hiding behind that excuse so that if I do end up saying something stupid or regretful, I have something to hide my reasoning behind. I'm not ashamed I just don't text you again because I don't want you to think I'm clingy and that I'm a needy friend. Sometimes I just forget about using my phone at all some days too. I'm not comfortable sharing everything with you. I don't even share with my parents. Even stupid things about what movies I've watched or what music I've been listening to on my ipod. I sometimes only you tell you stuff because you're silly teasing finally gets to me and I have to say something to shut you up. I like when you do it though, otherwise no one would know anything about me. 

The post I wrote awhile ago on Tumblr is still true. You are one of the most genuine and endearing people that I know. I can tell about how you talk about your relationship with Kyle and the way you get excited about quoting your favorite movies. 

Ravenclaw is the best house. They have all of the wit and cunning of Slytherine and the courage of Gryffindor. They just know how to weigh the pros and cons of their actions before diving head first into things. They are incredibly smart and not at all 'Puffs. Cho Change was a fluke.